Minnesnowta Musings

Take a deep and exhale. Now relax and realize Kevin McHale isn't in danger of ruining whatever cap flexibility his last few trades have created for the Timberwolves.

Need a few more seconds? Fine. Breath, exhale. In, out. Spin that new Ben Harper disc if you have to. Now excuse me while I turn down Kevin Harlan's voice and wipe the drool from McHale's chin before continuing.

In case you haven't noticed, the NBA playoffs are in full swing. Some games have been blowouts, while many have brought fans to their feet in shock, awe and anger. That's fairly standard. What's a little less standard are the prominent players involved. While none are truly game-breakers, this year's crop of pivotal players has been surprisingly pale in complexion.

Ok, put the pen down, Kevin. You don't have the authority to sign anyone. Heck, most of them aren't even free agents after this year. And no, it wouldn't be smart to sign them to an under-the-table contract.

*Sigh*

Let's take a look at the players who have McHale dreaming of whitewashing the league for the 2009-10 season.

Bulls vs. Celtics

With Game 7 on tap tonight, this has the very real potential of being the best series in playoff history. Everyone knows about the stars — Pierce, Jesus, Gordon, Rose — but think about the subplots that have unfolded.

Brad Miller has been involved in a number of physical plays, initiating some and getting initiated in others. If the Bulls lose the series, his hazy look at the end of Game 5 will be the indelible image of the historic battle. But I doubt McHale would like him. Remember, he dished out clotheslines in his day. How could he respect a whiner who got floored by a tiny guard?

And how about Kirk Hinrich? Chicago may be allowing a triple-double to Rajon Rondo, but he's not about to go down quietly. Their scrap in Game 6 was like Jo Jo English/Derek Harper Lite.

But my favorite in the series is barrel-chested ginger Brian Scalabrine. Just think, the Celtics went from KG to Powe to Scalabrine. That's depressing...but Scalabrine has proven surprisingly serviceable. In very, very small spurts, anyway. If he were five years younger, I'm sure McHale would have already traded a few future first rounders for him.

I'm sure his desire to help the Celtics wouldn't even cross his mind before signing on the dotted line.

New Orleans vs. Denver

James Posey has been the poster boy for role players over the last few years, winning titles with Miami and Boston. You know what? I bet McHale hates him. Based on the way this particular series played out, perhaps that's justified.

Birdman was better off the bench than any New Orleans post, starter or reserve. His production was augmented by fellow caucasian Linas Kleiza, who provides versatility and instant offense off the bench.

Sadly, the Hornets appear headed down the KG road with CP3. They've surrounded him with too many niche players and not enough guys who can make a real impact. I actually felt sorry for CP3 watching this series.

Utah vs. LA Lakers

Matt Harping has always been a favorite of mine. He's heady and very physical, yet still possesses the ability to hit an open shot. He does all the little things that don't show up in the box score, endearing himself to overachievers everywhere.

I hate the Lakers. I hate their fans. I hate Kobe. But I love Luke Walton's game enough to overlook his annoying dad. Phil Jackson troubling habit of yanking him in and out of the lineup is frustrating, but he's an extremely versatile option whose skills shine in the triangle. Plus, he's a former Wildcat who played for Augsburg grad, Lute Olson.

Houston vs. Portland

Portland's bench is, perhaps, the most intriguing in the leegue to the original Big Fundamental. Rudy Fernandez? Sergio Rodriguez? McHale is/was probably licking his chops at the thought. Unfortunately, he'd probable hold out for Raef LaFrentz and Shavlik Randolph to complete his ghost of a dynasty.

The Rockets offer a different option. Namely, a legit NBA difference maker. Luis Scola is an underappreciated big man willing to do the dirty work. Crafty is a McHale favorite, but he's vastly underpaid. I'm sure a sign-and-overpaid deal could be worked out to make it more paletable.

What exactly would it take to make McHale bite on a trade? A three-way that also nets Marko Jaric would seem ideal.

Dallas vs. San Antonio

I've got to believe McHale would jump at the chance to pair Scalabrine with Matt Bonner. Really, who wouldn't? Anyone can use two reliable drinking buddies for a game of poker.

Detroit vs. Cleveland

McHale's already experimented with Wally, so that might be the one pasty guy he doesn't covet. But Sasha Pavlovic? I'd love to see the cell phone records of Danny Ferry when the rumor first came out that McHale was losing GM responsibilities. If you don't believe he was frantically trying to make something work, you're crazy.

Everyone remembers when Walter Hermann became a fantasy stud a few years back. Sounds like the foundation for a real life title contender, right? Shhh, it's best to just let McHale dream.

Miami vs. Atlanta

I'll be honest, this series doesn't interest me very much. I haven't watched a game yet. I'll have to get back to you after Game 7. McHale might make a desperate call to check on Zaza Pachulia's availability if everything else falls through, but I'd guess he'll rely on his Hibbing charm to make something else work.

Intrigued by this experiment yet? It's like being a fly on the wall in his own personal war room. Let's complete the fantasy with a look at his dream roster.

Starters
PG: Ricky Rubio (draft)
SG: Rudy Fernandez (trade)
SF: Mike Miller
PF: Kevin Love
C: Al Jefferson

Bench
Sergio Rodriguez (trade)
Matt Bonner (trade)
Brian Scalabrine (trade)
Brian Cardinal
J.J. Barea (trade)
Raef LaFrentz (trade)
Mark Madson (captain)

Not realistic, you say? McHale, with an assist from KG, has taught the Minnesota faithful that anything is possible. Besides, if everything else fails, I'm sure McHale's still got Paul Grant on speed dial.